words by Rachel Lynch
image by Spencer Amadeus
I believe we attract the relationships into our lives that are a direct emotional and energetic match to us. Or in other words, the relationships we think we deserve.
In a heartbroken mentality and newfound sense of freedom, I decided to go on a road-trip with a photographer I had only briefly met once, five years ago.
I have a penchant for getting a little reckless when I feel I have nothing left to lose. I had recently gone through a very emotional breakup, so I wanted anything but the norm. Call me crazy, but I had a good feeling about this adventure. Although I hardly knew this person, I saw him to be inherently good, something you really canât say about everyone.
He picked me up from my Brooklyn apartment in a rental car one cold February morning. Upon the first few miles, he immediately admitted to me that he thought I was going to bail. I couldnât blame him, I thought the same of myself.
As we drove over the bridge and left the city, I had sharp feelings of regret. Should I say Iâm sick? Should I have him turn around now?
Nothing came out of my mouth.
We started talking, surface stuff at first. He liked some of the same sad music as me, Bright eyes, Conor Oberst, Taking Back Sunday. Our first stop was Ohio, his brother had an empty house there that we planned on shooting in.
Nine hours or so later we arrived in Ohio. Before settling into the spooky and deserted house for the night, we decided to stop at Walmart to pick up frozen tv dinners, Lays Honey BBQ chips, beer and cheap wine. We were both craving a drink so bad after the long drive, and pretty much started drinking once we got into the house. It didnât take me long to take a liking to this guy. He spoke a tough rhetoric, but the heart on his sleeve out-shined the words on his lips. I quickly realized I was dealing with a gentile and sensitive soul.That first night was more fun that I had expected, we got drunk, took photos, attempted to make a movie, talked, and ate so many chips. We fell asleep on the floor in the living room, where I requested that he sleep right next to me because the house was so spooky.
In the morning we left for our next stop, which was a Teepee in Cave City, Kentucky. It was freezing and once again super spooky. We drank more cheap wine, beer, and ate candy from a gas station. We talked more that night inside our cozy teepee bedroom, and I soon realized that maybe we were both running from something. Maybe not so much running in the literal sense of the word, but we had both been hurt pretty recently. I had just gone through a shitty breakup and he had been cheated on by a girl he was still desperately in love with. We talked openly, he more trusting that I at first.
When we woke in the morning, I opened my eyes to his cute face and long hair laying right next to me. It felt lovely to look at someone like that in the morning. No ulterior motives, just admiration and respect for this person I was getting to know. I felt lucky to hear his stories and spend this time with him.
Next we headed to Louisville, where we were extremely underwhelmed. Blame it on the cold, rainy weather, but we couldnât find much to explore. We checked into our weird, huge hotel and wandered to what was known as the more âartsyâ part of the city. We were bored and decided to get a drink at some hipster-esque bar. Unenthused, we decided to just head back to the hotel and coop up for the evening. More cheap wine, and room service with far too much BBQ sauce and french fries. We took more photos, watched TV and found ourselves having to sit in our feelings again. You can only really escape something for so long, eventually you have to deal with it.
This fourth morning on the road was the most exciting of all, we were heading to Nashville. We got there in two short hours and were excited to explore around. We checked into the most beautiful hotel downtown and got champagne delivered to the room. He wore a white bathrobe and I danced around in my black lingerie and black hat. We played music and laughed. Even though it was raining, we decided to go out that night and listen to music. Drinking copious amounts of whiskey, we quickly took a liking to the country feels surrounding us. We were laughing so much and I felt pretty in my little lace blue dress. Heading back to the hotel and crashing into the big white bed, I remember wanting to kiss him, but I didnât.
We continued on to a water park in the mountains of West Virginia, and got trapped for an extra night because of a wild snowstorm.
I could see that we were both healing, hiding, running, confused. And somehow, as we traveled on, it became more and more okay. Maybe we donât have to be perfect, whole people right now. Maybe we were okay as we were, left broken by the things life had thrown our way.
I wasnât sure about a lot at the time, but I couldnât help but feel ok at his side. Maybe I would have been a mess this week if I was alone in my apartment. Maybe he would of drank himself into craziness if he was alone at his. We had both been through a lot, but being together made it better.
As we drove back into the city, we were holding hands. I finally had the courage to reach for his boney fingers as we headed over the bridge once again, blasting Blink-182. I felt close to him, I felt I didnât want this to end. What if he never wanted to spend time with me again after all this, all these anxieties came rushing into my heartbroken brain.
And as he dropped me off at my apartment that night and headed to some party in the city, I realized that whatever happened was alright with me. I expressed myself, my stories and listened to all of his. I realized I had made a genuine connection with someone beautiful, and I wasnât going to be alone.
I think sometimes we need to meet new people, if only to remind ourselves that itâs all going to be okay.
