A Story By Inny Taylor
Photography by Sophia Sinclair
Model is Erin Marquez
Swimsuit by Hot-As-Hell

Sadie’s hair is pulled up in a messy bun that seems like the perfect place for a mama bird to nest in. She’s got on an old-timey, dusty grey cotton dress with little white flowers. It hugs her boisterous hips in place and tames them quite nicely. Her flat-as-a-washing-board chest seems like it is completely out of place on her shapely body. She just keeps humming some sweet-as-nectar tune as she frolics so lightly ahead in the woods, as if her weight is nothing but that of a robin’s feather. “The city has changed you Zachary. I can tell the city has changed you a whole bunch.” Her richly-sculpted arm flies to the sky; her fingers do a little twirling dance in the air. The wind pushes pieces of her straw hair all about. “It’s going to rain very soon. I bet you we won’t even make it half home before we’re nearly drenched into raisins.” She turns to carelessly frolic again, running her fingers along the bark of every tree we pass on our way. “You think I changed that much huh?” She stops cold in her tracks so that I nearly fall into her backside. She turns around and laughs a little at the close encounter. Her rose-kissed cheeks and sun-chaffed lips are front and center in my view. She pokes me with her left index finger and I wobble helplessly. We both laugh like a couple of whiny cats in heat. “I’m not trying to be out of line Zachary, but I do feel you’ve lost a bit of who you are. Or maybe who you used to be. But you can be whoever you want to be. I’ve never been the boss of you… although I know you think I’m certainly a cross person more than I need to be at times.” The rain starts slow trickles, down to the summer-dried and thirsty earth beneath our feet. And Sadie just goes right down with it. She plops down on a dirt patch beneath a willow. She reaches up to my knees and pulls me downwards to her. I pick the small grass patches beside me and then flick the gatherings out and up. “Sadie sunshine my only sunshine—“ “With the brightest smile, even the night stars are envious… I thought you forgot about that –I mean… I thought you forgot about a lot of things. You barely call anymore. It’s almost as if what’s left of us is only memories…”

Just another Midwestern girl who plans to be a teacher, get married, have babies. Just an honest, ordinary life. No New Age gimmicks, Zachary. Nothing impressive like all those other modern girls in the city.. I see the pictures. I see you are happy.

My fist is clasped full of grass and pebbles, and as I’m about to toss it out to freedom, Sadie reaches over, grabs my hand, and holds it still, looking me in the dead of my brown eyes. “Hey, thank you.” “For what?” She smiles with frustration. “For remembering Zach, thank you.” “Stop it Sadie –don’t do this right now. Please?” I remove my fist from her hold and release the earth collection, my palms now sweaty and my emotions becoming more and more shaken up. We waste a tense moment listening to the song of silence. “Why are you so upset with me suddenly? I feel the need to thank you for not forgetting about “Little Miss Small Town Girl,” who has no dreams other than to be nothing more than what has already been predestined for me. Just another Midwestern girl who plans to be a teacher, get married, have babies. Just an honest, ordinary life. No New Age gimmicks, Zachary. Nothing impressive like all those other modern girls in the city.. I see the pictures. I see you are happy. Your life is exciting and mine is—“ Although the slow rain adds some cool relief to the dry, summer air, my body temperature continues rising, and I feel engulfed in smothering, emotional heat. “And yours is whatever you want it to be Sadie lady. Yours is whatever you want it to be. That should be peace enough for you to sleep soundly through the night. And if not I don’t think I can do anything for you that you should already be doing for yourself.” “And the boys?” She bites down on her ripe bottom lip. She follows an erratic butterfly searching for shelter with her eyes. “What do you mean?” “The boys I see you in pictures with. What about them?” I lift the collar of my button-down shirt and use it to wipe away the moisture on my forehead. My dirty hands turn the pale blue fabric into a mess. My fingernails are caked with soil, and I remember how they always used to be this way before I left to New York. “Sure you see me in pictures with boys. I know a whole lotta people now. What about them?” “Oh but Zachary Tyler, I’ve known you inside and out since the first time we kissed back in seventh grade. Now you are trying to play riddle games with me at twenty? Those aren’t just pictures of you and boys. Those are pictures of you and boys you’d like to do disgraceful things to. Especially that one boy with darker skin than licorice. I see the way you are looking at him. Smiling. You didn’t think I knew? I know. I’m sure your mother has known too. Mothers know everything about their babies.”

“The city has changed you Zachary. I can tell the city has changed you a whole bunch.”

I pick the dirt out from embedding my nails. I lift my head up and tilt it forward to acknowledge the deer passing in the clear distance. She smiles and then turns right back to me. “How come you never told me you knew, Sadie? Hmm? You never thought about maybe how hard it must be for me to keep such a deeply hidden secret in my gut like that?” “I didn’t want to believe it. I didn’t want to believe that the perfect boy I fell in young love with and who fucked me till my virginity couldn’t be called that anymore was a—“ “I don’t know what I am Sadie. I don’t have a damn clue what I am. You think just cause I moved up out of Purcell and now live in a big, fast city, I’ve got myself all figured out? Well I don’t. I’m not completely sure what I am, but I can tell you if I was a fishing line and you threw me out in the lake, I sure wouldn’t fall straight.” “That’s no good, then I would have to recast you.” Sadie pretends to cast an imaginary fishing pole. Both our cheeks fill with air and we erupt with laughter. I wipe the sweat of my palm on my slacks and then place it on top of Sadie’s hand. “You know I care about you, don’t you Sadie? I know you know.” The rain still trickling, now Sadie’s eyes are as well. “Hey,” I say as I move my hand toward her cheeks to rid her tears. “Where’s that bright smile that even the night stars are envious of?” She puckers her face and starts crying harder. She moves her face from my hands and dabs her tears with her own before burying her whole head in the hollow of my shoulder blade and slender frame.

Nobody told me to have attraction to men, in fact they have told me the opposite, but it just comes naturally. Sometimes it feels so excruciatingly exciting my brain feels like the Fourth of July fireworks are going off inside of it.

She speaks into my shirt, her voice shaky. “I know you do Zachary. I know you do. But the thing is I don’t understand how you do. How could you have had all of those real feelings for me and now have the same feelings for men?” I twist my arm as far back as it can bend to embrace her. “I don’t know. I was taught to love you. That doesn’t make it not real because I love you so very much it stings my heart like a wasp. Nobody told me to have attraction to men, in fact they have told me the opposite, but it just comes naturally. Sometimes it feels so excruciatingly exciting my brain feels like the Fourth of July fireworks are going off inside of it. What do you think of me Sadie? You think I’m a dung eating dog like my father likes to say about gays?” She whips her head from the hollow of my back and swings me around. She spits in my face and slaps me a really good and solid one too. “Don’t you ever put me and your father in the same sentence, you hear me?” I stare at her. Her eyes go from a saddened pale to an angry red in a whip of a second. “Now I may be more conservative than you. I may not believe in every single loony thing these “free minded” people believe in, but don’t you, for a second as I sit right next to you, ask me if I’d judge you so cruelly like that. Of course it makes me sad –you see it makes me sad –but I’m still here aren’t I?”