Words and Model –  Jasmine Alleva
Photography by Thuy Vo
Styling: Christine Eagleson

The house I live in now used to be a boarding home for young women back at the turn of the century. This makes me feel at ease. I imagine a girl of my age, tossing and turning her nights away for the same reasons I do now: homesickness, loneliness, confusion, etc. I think of her life beyond this stage… how she moved on, how she no longer asked herself if she had made the right decisions, and somehow I know that I, too, will move on and no longer question the choices I have made that landed me in the same room she was in decades ago.

Chicago has become my urban playground. It is rich with culture and kindness. As the mecca of the Midwest, the city is saturated with history, but it feels like home. The food is loaded with simple carbohydrates and cheese and enough fat to keep you warm throughout a winter (it is cold here, after all), but it is comforting. The sprawl of the city spans for miles and miles over train track, river, lake, and rolling hills into suburbia; how can one ever be bored? I love it here. And I love modeling again.

“It is easy to give advice and much harder to receive it, but I am learning, with patience and introspection, that the advice we need the most is the advice we often give to others.”

This lifestyle can be like a bad boyfriend. You love it and then you hate it and then you want nothing to do with it until it draws you back in with the same unfulfilled promises you swore you would stop believing, but this time, I’m different. I call the shots. If I do not want to do something, I won’t. If I do not want to go somewhere, I don’t. I have finally rediscovered my voice.

I used to identify as a model. It dictated every action in my life: how I ate, the side part of my hair, my personal style, and my interactions with other humans. I was proud of my title, but forgot that it was just a title and not who I am. Now I identify as myself. I make my own decisions and I dictate my own life. If I want deep-dish pizza, I am going to eat deep-dish pizza. If I want an ear piercing, I am going to defy my agency and their wishes and get my ear pierced. I am not afraid of the consequences because I have to live with them. I had wanted the title of being a model for a very long time, but if I lose myself inside of it, every contract, runway show, and photo shoot is for naught, despite however much I labored to make them so.

It is easy to give advice and much harder to receive it, but I am learning, with patience and introspection, that the advice we need the most is the advice we often give to others. Do not let anyone reduce you from the greatness of who you are. Do not allow yourself to be deterred from what you know in your heart you are able to achieve. Be in love with your life. Be in love with yourself. After all, you are the one who has to validate your existence – no one else does that for you.

“This lifestyle can be like a bad boyfriend. You love it and then you hate it and then you want nothing to do with it until it draws you back in with the same unfulfilled promises you swore you would stop believing”

I am taking this experience in stride. I am gleaning knowledge from every interaction I have and looking back on the past year with relief and pride, knowing I overcame a dark period and saw the beacon of light within myself. I have reshaped my love for modeling, focusing on the creativity and collaboration with incredible people and paying more mind to the lasting relationships I have built in this industry.

Of course, as I am human and feel the full spectrum of human emotion, I tuck myself into bed at night and lull myself to sleep with the same cynicism about my actions as I had before. However, now I realize that some things are inevitable. We cannot help that we stress and worry. We cannot help that we question and doubt. It is important to realize that unless we are growing from the stress, worry, questioning, and doubt, that these actions, in turn, cannot help us, either.

Photography: Thuy Vo @vophotography
Styling: Christine Eagleson @xpressionista
Model @jasminealleva