Model, Words and Images: Jasmine Alleva
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I am happier. I am much happier. I am atop a mountain and my depression is way below, in a vellum fog of cloud coverage. I have come so far. But as anyone who has ever climbed out of a hole knows; my hands are bloodied, there is sweat on my brow, and my hamstrings are burning so badly that they make Hell look pathetic. My mental health has taken a toll of its own and I am tired. This wasn’t easy and I am tired.

There were days when I tumbled back down. We all have them. Life seems relentless in its barrage of bullshit and we cannot seem to dodge the crap its throwing at us. Or the other days, when life isn’t throwing anything at us at all and everything feels stagnant. I don’t know which days are worse.

“I have always felt distracted, wanting to do everything and go everywhere and talk to everyone. This is no secret, but this is where I lost myself.”

But then there were days when I false summited. I loved those days. I felt like I was in the right place at the right time and even the birds knew. But I was nowhere near where I wanted to be and I couldn’t figure out why.

I have always felt distracted, wanting to do everything and go everywhere and talk to everyone. This is no secret, but this is where I lost myself. I poured everything into other people and things and found myself parched by my own self-negligence. I didn’t love myself and in turn, I didn’t feel worthy of love or accomplishment. I accepted conditional relationships that left me empty and alone. I was wandering in the dark, losing sight of the path that would lead me to the greatness I knew was there. I realize now that this was holding me back.

“When you decide to love yourself, everything changes…”

When you decide to love yourself, everything changes. I had loved myself before and love myself now. But for a while, I had listened to other people and decided that the worth they put on me meant more than the worth I had put on myself. And in this period I had spent listening to other people, time still passed. Oxygen still gave me wrinkles on my face and I was still anchored back from the glory within reach.

Before I came home from my last modeling gig, I sat in the airport and typed out a lengthy entry announcing the end of my modeling career and the beginning of my permanent move back to my hometown. I felt spent. I decided that living out of a suitcase was no longer the path for me. But as I moved my fingers over my mouse pad to publish the entry, my laptop had done something it had never done before: it shut down. Black screen. Completely off. I took it as a sign. Something somewhere decided I was not done with this path…  or maybe I had completely ignored the battery and it died, but I’d like to believe in the magic of the former.
Now, here I am, sitting on my bed, announcing something much different than I had planned a couple months ago. I am leaving again and this time, I don’t know when I’ll be back.

“In retrospect, the ups and downs made me realize my self worth. They showed me who was there for me and who caused me to question my worth in the first place.”

In retrospect, the ups and downs made me realize my self worth. They showed me who was there for me and who caused me to question my worth in the first place. There came a day when I was so emptied by everything and everyone around me and I decided then that I never wanted to feel that way ever again. I cut out the people who loved me with conditions and made a commitment to love myself unconditionally. I would no longer tell myself any “ifs” or “buts”. I was and am going to accomplish magnificent things.

As previously mentioned, time still passes. It is always passing. And our biggest mistake is that we always think there will be more until there isn’t and all that remains is a stock pile of the things we never had the courage to achieve. In courage, there is love. And love has to start with you. Loving yourself. Unconditionally.

“Our biggest mistake is that we always think there will be more time until there isn’t and all that remains is a stock pile of the things we never had the courage to achieve.”

I look down on the year behind me.
That is where I was.

I spin triumphantly, laughing at the mistakes I no longer tuck into bed at night.
This is where I am.

The range towers behind me. Arêtes with mean edges try to intimidate me to stay in place, selfish with their wonders.
There is where I want to be.

I take a deep breath.
“Bring this shit. I’ve had practice.”