image by Sidi-Omar Alami
Words by Rodrigo Urriolagoitia
Instagram: rodri_urriolagoitia
Every night it’s starts again; the old feelings of loneliness and despair are back to fight and so many people told me to heal them. But is there any healing to something you felt all you’re life? I have to live with these feelings or is it really possible to heal them?
I think there are so many places that I wish to live in but it’s been impossible to find a one where my heart and mind are in peace.
My father past 2 years ago and since then I can’t stay at only one place. I been traveling around NY, South East Asia and now Los Angeles. Every place looks like a new beginning but old things come right back and let me know that pain is still there. My mind has always been more present than my heart so my feelings were left apart. They were hidden in a place that was secret for me. But in every new city I start over, little signs, messages appear in the ordinary life that remind be that the pain is still there. And pain has to be confronted, if you let time just to be your first weapon, this feelings become stronger and find a clever way to push you down. The best way to fight those feelings is to look at them and find the real cause. Loneliness is a good way to confront them because you can’t hide away from them anymore. They are present all day, every minute with you and trying avoid them just makes them stronger. I have learnt in L.A that most of the feelings we have come from old patrons of behavior. I was sad because my father was sad too the last years of his life and my own sadness was a way to pay tribute to him. So to be sad was a way of showing respect to him and feel in solidarity with his feelings.
Now I’m more free, because I know where my feelings come from, before fighting with them I need to understand them, I need to realize that some are real feelings from my experience and others are just inherited. To tell the difference is the first step before going to battle with them. Now freedom looks like a great place, but it’s inside me, not in a city or a different country. In loneliness and by night all the feelings come again, but now there are welcome and the ones that are not mine can´t get in anymore.
