Model, Words and Images: Jasmine Alleva
photography by Vo Photography
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Sometimes I think people forget that I’m human. I don’t have it all figured out. I’m not supposed to. There is a gap in my armor; a piece of flesh exposed to the world that serves as a reminder that there is a human underneath all of this external plating and she’s just as confused and damaged and vulnerable to pain as everyone else is.
I’m writing this from the bedroom my parents let me use in their new home. They moved here after I graduated from high school. When I came back from my first semester of college, my belongings had been placed in cardboard boxes and transferred into a room with bare walls and a mattress on the floor. Now, years later, the walls are still bare and the mattress is still on the floor and this is not my home. My parents never question my presence here, but everyone else does.
I can’t help but feel barraged constantly. Using that same armor to fend off inquiries about why I’m here and not elsewhere, how my modeling is going, where I’m off to next, etc., etc. At times I’m so exhausted from constant combat, fumbling to draw words and answers from an arsenal that is depleted. Why can’t I be where I am?
There is this somewhat new but already clichéd adage flying around the internet: “don’t compare your behind-the-scenes to someone else’s highlight reel.” Clichés, since the beginning of time, serve a purpose – an underlying and undeniable truth – and this one is no different. I try very hard to make my life look wonderful, but that’s because it is my job. There is a lot that goes into the “highlight reel”. My “behind the scenes” is not as pretty and letting people see that would be exposing way too much flesh. The armor, while protective, is still shiny and distracting.
I’m in Alaska because I have to be right now. Monday through Wednesday is spent in a laboratory on the college campus here and Thursday through Sunday is spent trying to build momentum in modeling, usually hustling through airports and cities much bigger than where I am now. Last weekend, it was Los Angeles. Next weekend, it will be Seattle.
I am still a student. A writer. A laborer. A sister. A daughter. An aunt. During my time modeling, I have lost many loved ones, had my heart broken, felt the stress of moving continents, was homesick, was lovesick, fell into depression, had anxiety attacks, felt lost, felt found, fell off, and bounced back. I work hard and I’m still rejected. I persevere and I still fall short. That is because I am human.
Of course I know that questions come from a place of concern. Though, other times, they come from a place of boredom. The latter, I will not deal with. I also know that there is a degree of interest from others when pursuing something outside the beaten path. Coupled with that interest is criticism. I want you to know this: I am successful because I try. I will continue to be successful because I will continue to try. This highlight reel? Its hard work. And the behind-the-scenes? It’s much harder. If you look closely, you’ll see both.
After the crowds have gone home and the fight is spent, my armor falls. What is left are bruises, scars, and flesh. I’m still human. There is much more to me than what I put on in the morning – what I choose to show the world. Let me breathe.
