We sat down with talented Israeli dark-pop artist Totemo to talk about her new song “See You At The Beginning”, special song-writing place and her diagnosis and battle with cancer.
You like touching themes of courage and sacrifice in the face of failure. How much do you see creating your art as an outlet for your own struggles in life?
Oh, this is exactly how I see my songwriting. For me making music is an instrument to get better and to cope with changes and hardships. It helps me make sense of the world. And the process of moving from writing these songs (late at night and alone) – to making them accessible to more people (whether working on them with my producer, or performing live for people) – is another step of this therapeutic tool.
What has been the most courageous thing in your life that you have done so far?
Well, it’s hard to look at this like an “all or nothing” type of thing. Because every little courageous thing that you do leads to a new you… It helps you understand that you can do the thing. Whatever the thing may be. So I guess the most courageous thing I’ve ever done was going up on stage for the first time, because it was the great unknown. I just threw myself into that situation without any securities or fallbacks. These days when I go on stage I feel completely different, because I know how much fun and cathartic it can be.
“Every little courageous thing that you do leads to a new you.”
„See You At The Beginning“ – is such a great track. We can feel a lot of emotions through the song. What is the exact meaning of the title and the track itself?
I love it when people can inject themselves into my story and my lyrics (because I enjoy that with other people’s songs), so I usually don’t expand about the meaning of my songs. Also, the meaning has changed like 3 times for me since I originally wrote this (laughs) but basically and still kind of vaguely – this song is about the realization that there is no race. And we’re not in any competition, certainly not with each other. We’re all going in circles. This is sort of a reminder for me as well.. I tend to forget this.
„We’re not in any competition, certainly not with each other. We’re all going in circles.”
The video is intriguing too. It is directed by Neta Shenitzer. Did you give her complete artistic freedom to create it around the song or you created it together?
This video was actually created before the song. It is an excerpt from Neta’s short film “what follows the night”. She attended a show of mine and was inspired to contact me about it, and offer a collaboration using her song. I thought it was perfect for “See You At The Beginning”, and she has re-edited it. This was such a natural way to collaborate and I love the way she opened herself and what she has created to my input and interpretation.
Do you have a special song-writing place or you can be creative anywhere?
Words flow more freely when I’m travelling – buses, trains, and just being away from my everyday life. For composing and harmonizing, or starting some basic idea for the production of the song, I need to be home. Preferably late at night. Definitely alone. For the beginning at least. It’s a very vulnerable situation. It usually requires time to get comfortable before I can share something new with someone else.
“I love it when people can inject themselves into my story and my lyrics.”
In 2016 you were diagnosed with cancer. How did you initially deal with those news?
I don’t think I did. I did not process it at all. I went straight into fight mode, and I stayed there until it went away, which took a while. I guess this is natural and crucial, but it also distanced me from my emotions. Only after everything passed I started really dealing with the thing, and I’m currently still in therapy.
What helped you most during time in order to fight and stay strong?
It’s not very Zen, but thinking about the future really did help me. Believing I am going to get better and thinking about everything I will do once I do – kept me going. Writing songs helped. Listening to Patrick Watson while I was cramped with Chemo pains – helped a lot. Music in general. Also, the people I had in my life during that time – I don’t know what I would do without them.
Do you feel that you live more consciously nowadays because of your experience?
I’m not sure that I do, but I certainly try to. I try to be better, towards myself (and as a direct result, to others as well), all the time. I am doing this mostly by taking care of myself – going to therapy, exercising, practicing yoga and meditating.
Besides music, what do you love spending your time with?
When I can get myself away from the TV, I love reading. I’m currently deeply enjoying the works of Rachel Cusk and Ali Smith.
Your life motto?
Oh man. It keeps changing. Maybe that should be my motto (laughs)
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images by Sillan Dallal
